my Life...my Way!

Life around has changed so much in recent times, well I don't know why I say that always when I already know that life will so obviously change and it cannot be obviated. When I look around, I see people running behind something or other, but they are running. Some are successful, some are not, I wish I could also run behind something, a dream, a vivid journey or at least something different from my daily routine. "MUSIC" is one such thing, I can't think of any other thing which makes me feel so full of life. Each nerve of my body, each muscle reacts to it. I wish I was not so dilettantish about it. But there are many reasons for that, one of which is fear of failure. The fear crawls up so badly sometimes, it diminishes all hopes and dreams. Well recently I read a beautiful line in some SMS which said - "Dream is not what you see in sleep.. Dream is something that doesn't let you sleep". It was a span of few milliseconds before I decided to put it as my facebook status. Well the consequences were not that satisfactory. Somehow, I then dropped this idea of mine and decided not to update this as a status message. First reaction was anger, second was fear, third was oblivion and the fourth is present continuous tense. 

Throughout my life, I have moved ahead making so many analogies, some may sound very ambiguous, but it used to help me find answers and help me make peace with my mind. Again, a very bad habit, makes life very tough when you cannot find few answers, fear creeps in, you lose self-confidence, all bad thoughts flash in front of your eyes and you waste your valuable time in finding answers to few questions which need not be answered. I wish I lose this neurotic nature before I become complete mad, although I like being mad, because it differentiate me from the crowd.

I see so many success stories around, which have faced lots of problems upfront but the basic theme of such stories remain the same. Each of such stories was based on a vision, a passion, hunger and innovativeness. Sometimes I feel that I can be a part of such story, a story which can be a source of inspiration for someone. But again, the vision is lacking here, may be I am looking in the wrong direction or I am not supposed to be in such a story. When I look back, I don't see any account of such achievements, even if any, those are too small to be accounted. Definition of achievement holds a different place for me, sometimes even a petty problem can teach me millions, but most of the times I cannot scale it up to a bigger picture. To keep myself happy, I say to myself - "It's ok". Deep down I say - "I have to do it somehow, is there no way?".

I lost my innocence like people lose their virginity after college. I used to be naughty, jolly but the world changed me to someone so rude and faltu that I miss my own self sometimes. There are many reasons when I introspect but I guess, everyone faces such challenges, why is it me, who is unable to cope up? I make a lot of assumptions, sometimes they turn out right, sometimes they don't and sometimes I don't want them to be true. The fact that I lost touch has cost me a lot. I don't see anyone around me with whom I can share the exact things which are going on in my mind, I feel alone, I get distracted, yet I have to act to maintain equilibrium. I miss my old phone conversations, the one with my dearest lady, from my free airtel landline phone. Those days were the golden days in all respects. 

Every minute acting has made me tired, assuming things have made me tired. I am a person who hates constraints but can't help it, for I have to maintain equilibrium. It puts so much pressure on me, my mind blows up. Sometimes I want to say so many things to a girl, but I can't, same old fear. I want to tell her things about her beauty, her attitude and what not but I become cramped. These 'I' type thoughts fill my mind and often come up in conversations and make people think I am Rude, but I can't help it, I need a channel for them to flow.
I need an incendiary vision, I need a dream. Right now I am blind, and my past won't let go off me. So I act, act every day, every second, just to prevent that from happening. I am not a omniscient, I wish I was, then those situations would never arrive, then I would stop asking questions and will be answering them only.

P.S. It’s all google search, dnt ever think of ki I have written this… And most welcome to join my company with drink!... cheers!!

life...on the way

Jana hain kahin door
kahin doob jaana hain
khwabon ko bhulake
bhulake jaana hain

Jaye kahan is bheed me hum
darr hain yu hum kho naa jaaye
guzre pal wo yaad aaye jo phir
Mit naa jaaye unme

o...o...o...

zakhmi hain wo dil ki raahein
sune hain ab din aur raatein
kahin to hogi wo mulakatein
kahin to...

kyun kho gaye hum is manzaar me yu
sapne saare bikhre kyun
jeene hain phir se wo lamhe saare
chhode the jo pal kahi...

o..o...o...


This song is about a person who doesn't wants to face the new challenges coming up in life but suddenly realizes that he is already at that junction and alone...he still expresses the desire to live those moments again..

P.S.:- I love this song.. song is available here.. 
http://www.esnips.com/doc/c6127d66-c3e8-4334-866b-3497bc9c1068/Track_2