Thoughts on "Ek Tha Tiger"

The moment that Tadatada tune started playing, A man in an perfectly ‘Reid & Tailor’ brand tailored black suit turns on his feet and points his gun towards the dissolving blackness.

“The name’s Bond, James Bond.”

Enough with the nautanki. I am Sure Tiger will definitely made him want to forget everything.

Once again, Being Human This Time, I will Seriously Make a Request To Mr. Bond that :

Here is Some Conversation held between us..

4u.johny : “There is this movie you need to see. Ek Tha Tiger. Or in English, Once upon a time there was a tiger.”

Mr. Bond : ‘What? You sent me a distress signal on the ultra-secret spy covert channel just so that I catch a nature conservation film. You Know I am on a Mission Since ages, And you call me here, for this?”

Mr. Bond feels like an idiot. Because he had fallen for the same trick last month, as Bruce Wayne (Batman) in ‘The dark Knight Rises’ almost challenged his TRP..

4u.johny : “I have something you should see. It’s about some extra tricks or lesson you should learn for your next target.

Making a quick get-away, he arrived at the drop-off spot to find me with a video. And what had that turned out to be? A Hindi movie called “Highlighting Caption’ “This Eid”….!!

Mr. Bond was about to leave but there was something about me, a kind of icy stillness, that bounded him to stay.

“No Mr. Bond. This is not a movie about animal conservation. As a matter of fact, the hero here cares as much for wild animals as you care for Blofeld S.P.E.C.T.R.E  RING 18 K.”

Mr. Bond : “And who is this hero we are talking about?”

4u.johny : “Bhai is the name by which his devotees call him. He hates black bucks more than Baba Ramdev. And when it comes to people on the road side (footpath in our language), he lives and let die.”

Mr. Bond : “And why, 4u.johny, should I care about this Bhai, this Ek Tha Tiger?”

4u.johny : “Because Mr. Bond, this Bhai plays Tiger, a secret agent, of such great power that he can finish us off, For good. The crisis this time isn’t about stolen submarines. It is about our existence.

Mr. Bond sits into the leather couch and turns towards the monitor. The video seems to be paused.

Mr. Bond : “Well I can see you have already begun without me. What’s happened so far? And is that man on screen…’

4u.johny : “Yes. That’s Bhai. Salman. Tiger. RAW agent. More alpha than Uranium 92-238. What Ra.One needs a superhero suit for, he can do shirtless. Stops a speeding Metro. Play around with high tension wires without any tension.”

Mr. Bond is unimpressed. After all, he is the man who got On top from the bottom. The world is not enough.

I realized that 007 is having trouble getting his mind around the awesomeness of Tiger. Not yet a Bhai-head, he smiles to himself. He will see the light, Soon.

I Illustrated Further, “Okay let’s say the Professor Kidwai have stolen plans for a secret missile to be used against the British. Time is of great importance. You have been asked to keep a nuclear scientist under surveillance, a nuclear scientist who is needed to arm the bomb. What would you do?”

Mr. Bond : Why are you asking me these things 4u.johny? I am being Serving this name since ages. You know as well as anyone what committments are.”

“Guess what Tiger does ?Given a mission to keep an eye on a scientist, who looks suspiciously like that history-traveller from “Bharat Ek Khoj”, he climbs pipes, sleeps on the bench, goes out on dates, dances with backup dancers. In short everything except keeping the principal under watch. Why does he do this? So that he can fall in love with the scientist’s beautiful secretary.”

Mr. Bond : “Well 4u.johny, I still don’t see what’s so strange about that. For decades, I have fired my heat-seeking missiles into the enemy’s soft spots, all in the service of nation. This is but yet another weapon. A pleasurable one, I do accept.”

“But you see Mr. bond. That’s where things are different. Here, with the fate of the country on the line, Tiger does not go in for the quick approach being taught in spy school. No, he takes the girl to a park, watches swans and stars showers and then asks her dead father, up there among the stars, for her hand.”

Mr. Bond gives the dirty look. “Oh my Goodness that is just so pathetic.”

I continued, “So obviously the girl Tiger falls for is an ISI agent.”

Mr. Bond knows where this is going “He shoots her. Don’t tell me he shoots her before they mingle their passion. That would be, to use a Shakespearean term, absolute KLPD. ”

I then Replied “No he does not shoot her. With his gun shaking, Tiger asks the pretty ISI agent, Was that what I saw in your eyes love?”

With a shake of his head, Bond reaches for his martini “Maybe the same reason why the Indians keep Kasab alive for so long. For the love they see in his eyes.”

“You know what Tiger drinks?” I ask.

“Considering what a kadoo he appears to be, let me guess. Imperial Blue or Goa?

“No. Milk…” That too from a doodh-wala. I replied!

Mr. Bond seems shaken as well as stirred.

Mr. Bond asks “But what is Bhai’s problem? The Indian and the Pakistani could just have gotten married and settled down in Dubai. Like Shoaib Malik and Ms Thunderball..”

“Evidently not. Which is why they escape to Cuba and lie low by dancing about on the streets and fighting in front of security cameras.”

“You seem to have finished the entire movie already Mr. Johnny. Why you called me then?”

“Oh this is my second-time. The reason I called you was that this is a direct challenge to you, Mr. Bond.

 “Me? The James Bond.

A RAW spy, Tiger? The Bhai?

Well I am Bond, James Bond. I have been played by Connery, Niven, Moore, Lazenby, Dalton, Brosnan, Craig…it’s my character that is important not the actor who plays it.”

“Aha. That is it. Bhai stands for exactly the opposite. As he has proven time and time again, it is the actor that is supreme and not the character. Bhai can play the front right tyre of an Mc Laren F1 if he wants to and it will still rake in 100 crores in 3 days. Story, logic, script, everything is redundant. You can get your privates almost burnt by a laser ray. No one cares that much. But as soon as Bhai stand in front of the camera, strikes a stud pose, the Money and the Honey will all pour in. Only For him.”

Mr. Bond : “So what should I do to this Bhai? Do you expect me to fight?”

“No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die. In shame, there is no quantum of solace.”

                                                                                                            

                                                                                                                           Being a Human!! :-)